To be or not to be...

The last two months have been rather tough. After what turned out to be a rather odd audition season, I find myself back in the place of questioning whether or not I want to continue on this path. My auditions have gone very well and people seemed incredibly impressed and yet I still seem to be passed over for things. I have had many quiet moments thinking, writing and reasoning trying to figure out why I am not where I want to be. The holidays were filled with a bit of melancholy as many things have come back as a "no" and some things changed because of a new direction for the production. Hopes were dashed and dreams deferred, so why continue when I could go back into arts administraiton and at least have some sense of consistency?

For some people they go the traditional path of undergrad, grad school, major YAP, agent and then work. Sometimes these things overlap especially if someone is particularly good. My path as a singer has had its shares of ups and downs. While still in grad school, I was cast as a cover for the world premiere of an opera at the Lyric Opera of Chicago. It was an amazing experience! After that I was hired back two more times to sing with the Lyric Opera's Opera in the Neighborhoods program singing alongside alumni of the Lyric Opera Center. Again, I felt like I was working with some great talent and really learning a lot. Then things became tough and after doing nearly every regional opera company YAP in the midwest, I got stuck and then injured and had to stop and recover. Barely back to full health, I went off to do another YAP and had a rollercoaster of a ride filled with excitment (making my mainstage debut for an indesposed colleague) to feeling like nothing (singing for a room full of drunk people who didn't care.) I was tired, confused, lonely and hurting so I decided I needed to reassess.

After 6 years of being away from singing, I jumped back into this wacky business after getting a role in the National Tour of Porgy and Bess. I was rejuvenated and excited about singing again. I had retapped my artistic self and it felt very good, but now two years later, I feel tired, lost and confused again. I feel like I have all the goods and have been told as much, but something is keeping me from getting jobs and I also feel like I could be doing something else that would serve people and myself in a better way. I have always believed that others should not influence how we feel about ourselves and we are constantly told to follow our dreams. I have to decided if I am going to continue this or if I need to find another dream to pursue because of all the things I have tried in my life, this, being an opera singer, has always been the most dfficult.

I don't know where I will be in 6 months, but I sense that I need for something MAJOR to happen. I believe in my talent and I know there are others that do as well. What I don't believe in is the life. Perhaps I am not cut out for it. I have missed and given up so much by being away and yet being away is the only way to get work so...

I simply am in the process of questioning if this is where I am best suited. I love opera so much and I love performing and learning and growing. Perhaps in a few days something will come through and perhaps I will come to the conclusion that I don't have to do this as a career, but I will continue to write about my journey "back in the game" as I think it gives a lot of insight into the mind of someone who wants it and goes for it and the joys, fears, rewards and doubts that come with it.

Peace,
Eric